Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
