I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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