meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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