I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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