There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
