I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
