this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
