I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
