i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
