thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
