I can text with my tongue
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
