Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
