This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I checked into jail on foursquare
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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