awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
