Where is the hickey?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
