I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
