there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
