oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
