Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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