my room smells like sperm. sweet.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
