the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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