First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
