so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
