I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
