i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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