my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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