the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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