I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i was born a porn star she said
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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