awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
