And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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