Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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