Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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