yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
