Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
