no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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