My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
