If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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