K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
