Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
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