i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
