I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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