One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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