if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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