this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You did what with his pubic hair?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
