Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
