He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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