Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
