i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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