We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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