I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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