you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
