I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
