like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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