its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My vagina is officially offended.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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