So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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