Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
